RESPECTING BOUNDARIES
Everyone has boundaries.
A boundary is not something you can see like a picket fence or a wall however it is still present. A boundary is something intangible yet very real. A boundary is something we have around ourselves that both protects us and says 'this is my line, do not cross it'. Everyone has boundaries at different levels and for different reasons and everyone does not have their boundaries set in the same place. What one person might accept another who has a larger boundary, may not accept. There is no set rule as to who has boundaries and where they are as boundaries are as individual as the people who have them. One can overstep another's boundaries very easily because of this. The offending person may not have any boundaries themselves or their boundaries are set in another place or they may blatantly overstep someone else's and put their own wants first.
To better explain boundaries and crossing them here are a few examples:
Jane says she wants no further part of an abusive domestic situation however she is still with her partner (Jeff). She allows Jeff to get away with many things however one day he crosses her last personal boundary that says, 'that is the last straw' and with those thoughts in mind she up and leaves the relationship. The boundary may have been a little one and people may not understand why she has chosen that particular incident to leave the relationship. Some may say she over-reacted. It doesn't have to be a big event to overstep a boundary - it can be a minor one. The big event that triggered Jane's decision to finally leave was the last boundary she had for self preservation and protection and once Jeff had crossed that boundary Jane would no longer tolerate the abuse - and she left.
Abigail teaches sewing classes and has collected a large number of students who willingly follow her instructions on how to make patterns and sew valances, bedspreads and quilts. One day during one of her classes a student (Betty) speaks up and tells the rest of the class that she is going to start a quilting circle in her home and invites them all to her place. Betty has overstepped Abigail's boundaries. Betty's failure to acknowledge Abigail's leadership is a direct insult. Betty should not have said anything about having a quilting circle to the rest of the class - this was highly disrespectful. IF Betty had respected Abigail she would have first asked Abigail privately - ahead of time - if it was ok to announce that she wanted to have a quilting circle in her home. This would give Abigail the chance to announce Betty's intentions IF she desired to let the class know. This lack of respect was very offensive to Abigail as she herself was planning on starting a quilting circle as well as a class for those who wanted to make clothes. IF the roles were reversed you can imagine that Betty would be very angry about another person overstepping her boundaries and doing this.
Susan is involved in karate classes and is reluctant to strike out with too much force at other students and she maintains total control at all times in practice sessions. A new student (Nancy) uses more force than is necessary and begins to strike Susan with her full body force. At the beginning of the sparring match Susan is using her normal amount of blocking force however she finds that she is getting hurt. Susan attempts to warn Nancy with non-verbal action by blocking her with more force than she usually uses and Nancy now notices that she in return is receiving some hefty blows from the blocks. However Nancy is still not respecting Susan's boundaries and continues to strike at her with all of her force. This makes Susan decide to show her what overstepping boundaries can do and goes after Nancy for a few moments using her own full force in an attack on Nancy. Nancy is shocked and hurt by this sudden change in sparring however when Susan eases off and goes back to her normal controlled sparring Nancy also eases off and applies more control over her kicks and punches too.
Isabel is giving Karen a Reiki treatment. Isabel wants to do Reiki on Karen's head however Karen has said no she doesn't want her head touched during the treatment. Isabel is insistent that she can help her and deliberately puts her hands on Karen's head without permission and proceeds to give her energy. Karen is furious … Isabel has blatantly overstepped Karen's boundaries. Isabel put her own wants first and totally ignored Karen's wishes or needs. Karen doesn't return for another session with Isabel. Isabel should have more respect for her clients. Forcing someone into a position of doing something they don't want to do is totally disrespectful.
Sofia is having a 50th birthday and truly doesn't want a party and says so. Ingrid ignores Sofia's wishes and organizes a party anyway. This is very upsetting to Sofia as she is going through an age crisis and didn't want to remember what year it was. Ingrid should have respected Sofia's wishes. If Ingrid had respected Sofia's boundaries she would have asked Sofia out for a quiet meal or a movie for just the two of them instead of having a party. Ingrid would have left it up to Sofia to decide if she felt comfortable about enjoying a friend's company or would rather remain alone for the evening.
One way to respect someone else's boundaries is to ask for permission to do something whether it be helping them move or offering advice. Not everyone wants the help of others and their desires should be respected. If you have asked someone about something already and they have said no yet you proceed to do it anyways then you have no respect for another's boundaries. One way to respect boundaries is to ask yourself if you would like 'this' done to you? But REMEMBER you are not the other person …they may not want it done to them … respect their boundaries! What is offensive to some is not offensive to others and we are all unique individuals. When in doubt … ask. When in doubt … don't do it. Find out if what you want to do is ok or refrain from doing it. If you overstep someone else's boundaries you can expect the consequences of your actions.
REMEMBER: When it doubt … ask ! When in doubt … don't do it !
Copyright © 2004, Victoria Nelson
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