FORGIVENESS
[Healing Words]
To forgive doesn't mean to give in - it means letting go.
A father who hit you, a sister who told your deepest secret, a friend who took advantage of you, a man who raped you, an unfaithful spouse, someone who abused you emotionally / physically in childhood, a relative who didn't invite you to a wedding, the boss who fired you or passed you over for promotion - these may be people who inflicted pain on you and it may take you years to get over them. We might say terrible things or brood over what we wish we'd said, hold a grudge, or seek revenge. The best way to feel better is just the opposite, the most powerful thing you ever do could actually be saying the words, "I forgive you".
To forgive doesn't mean to give in - it means letting go. Once you forgive you are no longer emotionally attached to the person who hurt you. Forgiveness removes you from someone else's nightmare and allows you to live in peace. As you forgive you reclaim your power to choose. It doesn't mean that someone deserves to be forgiven - you deserve to be free!
Forgiveness leads to inner peace. Once you've forgiven, you'll laugh more, feel more deeply, become more connected to others. And the good feelings you generate will pave the way to even greater healing, inner peace and health.
Forgiving is good for both body and soul. Reliving your past hurts over and over again is bad for your health. Negative feelings cause stress, and simply remembering an incident that makes you angry has proven itself to be stressful to the heart. Negative feelings can also be linked to high blood pressure, coronary and artery disease and an increased risk to other illnesses.
Why do people carry so much blame and resentment around when forgiveness feels so good? It may compensate for the powerlessness they experienced when they were hurt - people feel more in charge when they're filled with anger. We may withhold forgiveness because we see it as a weakness. Some may think forgiving means saying we were wrong and someone else is right but forgiveness is not about letting the other person off the hook, it's about taking the knife out of your own heart and removing the pain from your own body. In many cases the guilty person isn't even aware of your misery and doesn't feel a thing, while your stomach churns inside out with bitterness.
While pain and trauma may only take a few minutes to inflict, forgiveness often requires time. You may first experience feelings such as anger, sadness and shame. Next, you try and make sense of what happened or take extenuating circumstances into account. Later, you learn to see the person who hurt you through new eyes and with a greater perspective, the person who hurt you becomes the one who is flawed, weak, sick or ignorant.
Some people may never reach the final stages of forgiveness - those hurt in childhood by people they loved and trusted may find the process especially difficult. However, even partial forgiveness can be beneficial.
Here are a few suggestions for forgiveness if you are finding it hard to start:
· START SMALL. Forgiving the slights inflicted by strangers [the person who keeps calling the wrong number, or the driver who cuts you off] helps prepare you for the tougher task of forgiving major hurts.
· ELIMINATE BAD FEELINGS. Express your anger or disappointment with a friend [or counselor] to allow you the experience of being heard. In this way you can voice your feelings without the danger of saying or doing anything such as hurting those you love, breaking things, slamming doors, driving recklessly, or drinking and doing drugs [to avoid the pain].
· WRITE THE PERSON WHO HURT YOU. As you experienced the event, without blame or judgement, state the truth of what happened. Use "I" statements: "I feel", "I don't understand", etc. Describe the effect the person's behaviour had on you and express your desire to hear 'his' feelings and get the issue resolved. Do you want to mail this letter? If you think there is a chance for good, send it. If the person who hurt you is dead or incapable or listening to what you have to say, burn it.
· IS CONFRONTATION NECESSARY? Victims may avoid forgiving the person who hurt them because a confrontation isn't safe, especially in cases of assault, incest and other criminal acts. Forgiveness can occur without anyone else's involvement or awareness - the person you forgive may never realize they hurt you or that you forgave them. What's important is that you release your anger.
· LISTEN. If you do confront the person who hurt you, listen silently and empathetically and then relate back to them what you are hearing. In doing this you will begin to see their behaviour from another angle and become more tolerant - this too can lead to forgiveness.
· DO YOUR FORGET? Look into the future - you can benefit from the perspective time brings without having to wait years to achieve it.
Copyright © 1994, Victoria Nelson
If you're in pain I hope you find some measure of relief and freedom in my words. The event is gone, the time is past, move forward in light and love.
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