CONTROL
[Who Is In Charge?]
"THY WILL" NOT "MY WILL" is the name of the game. Once must accept responsibility only for their own life. A lot of people try to avoid taking control of their own lives as "control" = "responsibility". Responsibility is not something everybody accepts. Responsible, mature people control their own lives, they may listen to others for feedback but still make their own choices. Irresponsible, immature people hand over their control to others so that they may avoid decision-making and blame others when mistakes occur. People who think they are mature often feel the need to control the lives of others, and in trying to do so they alienate those around them. One should never try to take away someone else's control or give away their own. Let's examine some fictitious people named Frank, Mary, Karen and Jane's in their unhealthy relationships.
Frank is prodding Mary to work in a factory even though Mary does not want to do factory work. Frank tells Mary she has the job skills to succeed in the factory and he pesters Mary to get her to at least try out for the job while he points out all the benefits [from his point of view] to the job. Frank is trying to get Mary to do something that he feels is right for Mary. Mary however, doesn't want to do it , and Frank [because HE believes it is what Mary needs] will try to enforce or superimpose his will onto Mary to make her do it. Frank, after all, knows what is best for Mary even if Mary doesn't know. This puts a real strain on their relationship. This is Frank's will, not Mary's will.
Karen seeks out Jane's advice on personal problems. Karen says it's hard for her to make decisions as she is too caught up in the emotions and makes too many mistakes when she is deciding on her own. Karen is giving her control away so that she doesn't have to take responsibility for her own life and this also provides her with a scapegoat if things go wrong. This puts Jane in control. This becomes Jane's will, not Karen's will.
All of these people are dealing with control issues. Mary is resisting Frank's will, in resisting she is trying to assert herself and control her own life. If Mary accepted Frank's wishes despite her reluctance she would be avoiding responsibility and control just like Karen. If Jane accepts responsibility for Karen and starts making decisions for her she would now be in the same position as Frank and this makes her responsible for Karen's life and her own.
You are trying to control another person's life when you TELL them how they should talk, what they should say, how they should be feeling/acting/reacting, or when you insist that you [or your ways] are right. One can attempt to take control sweetly and with the best intentions, but it is still taking control no matter what the disguise it wears. One should never TELL or INSIST when talking to another. You might SUGGEST a course of action, or use an example of how you or someone else might handle the situation [if it were yours] but never TELL. Suggestions are more apt to be listened to if you make them in a compassionate manner. Good intentions, without compassion can be perceived as attacks [or controlling] and equal to being run over by a steam roller. One should GUIDE so that others choose their own course of action and [right or wrong] learn from their mistakes.
No one said that taking control of our own life would be easy and that we wouldn't make mistakes. It is only through the efforts and mistakes that we learn. Mistakes are a necessary part of growth. We can remove the pain and look at the lesson for what it was, and grow from the experience. Allow people the freedom to make mistakes and therefore learn. You're not helping, in fact you are doing them a great injustice by preventing them from growing because you think your way is right. Never superimpose or force your will upon another no matter how well intentioned.
We would never learn to walk if we were not allowed to fall down in the process so that we might learn what we did wrong. We bounce back after each attempt until we get it right. Life is like this, without the ability to make mistakes and pick ourselves up and keep trying we would never grow. How else do we learn to feed ourselves or drive a car properly if we don't keep trying. The greatest gift you can give someone is the respect and acceptance they need for taking control of their own lives. People mature by taking responsibility and control of themselves.
When raising children we notice they grow best if we allow them the joy and freedom of making their own mistakes and growing from the experience. How often have you over heard a child's cry of anguish when the parent takes over what the child is doing 'because the kid wouldn't do it right anyway'? Or pushing them to do something too old for their young years [a 10 yr. old babysitting a younger child]. Someone superimposing their will over ours retards our growth, and if this is done repeatedly it may become a way of life. How many times have you heard a parent complain about their child's immature or inappropriate behaviour? The parents didn't allow the child to grow in an appropriate manner with guidance. The child didn't live and learn as they were protected from harm. What other result could be expected? "Tough Love" is simply parents allowing their offspring the freedom to make mistakes and learn by them. The child learns there are consequences to their inappropriate actions when the parents no longer act as the buffer. "Tough Love" is simply giving the children the control and responsibility of their own lives while at the same time guiding them in a positive manner.
I'm not talking about rearing children. You have to exercise some control to prevent harm, to teach them values, but even then you show them through example of accepted and appropriate behaviour. Poor pitty the child whose parent colours in the pictures of their colouring book because the child 'wouldn't do it right' - but one cannot entirely fault the parent. Schools teach us so much but nowhere is there a school that prepares us for the most important role of our life, that of a parent. It is a learn as you grow experience and we all make mistakes. Sometimes we have to rear ourselves and use those same tools to raise our children. Hopefully we've done a good job and when grandchildren come along we have the words of wisdom that guide the young. Just imagine how very different society would be today if we had such schools.
Do not confuse control with people looking for feedback, letting off stress, or seeking validation - if the person is not actually soliciting your opinion outright it is quite possible they are simply talking it out. Try not to be picky about people's wording, every word is not 'by the book'.
If the person does make a mistake, don't undermine the person's moral, be supportive. To say or imply, "I told you so", is just a way to make yourself feel big or important as you attempt to gain [or regain] control of the other person's life - this is most inappropriate. Arguments are usually the negative result of someone with control issues either trying to control or giving their control away [e.g. control issues over money, kids, work, life, time, etc.].
Do not TELL them how they should be feeling or reacting, let them tell you. To say to someone, "I guess you're feeling pretty rotten about this" is installing a negative thought pattern and setting them up for future failures. You are putting in your own negative thoughts about making mistakes and saying that YOU think they should feel rotten, whereas, they might feel great because they did it themselves even if they didn't succeed in the attempt.
A non-controlling person will keep giving the control back to the person, they will be supportive, and they will not judge the results of the other person's efforts. So, be supportive, ASK if THEY want to talk, ask how THEY are feeling but don't be nosy or pushy about it. You could say, "You accomplished a lot. You may not have gotten what you wanted but the effort and detail you put into it was fantastic. You did a great job.". Be positive, and supportive - and MEAN IT! Words just to make it appear you are positive, are just that - words. Nothing is as meaningless as meaningless words.
Keep in mind that each person has free will to make choices and no one has control over this will except themselves. How often have you given up your control only to regret it later? Isn't it time you took control of your own life? Keep "THY will" strong and steady and let "MY will" have no affect upon you, for it is only "THY will" that counts when dealing with YOU.
Copyright © 1994, Victoria Nelson
May your journey in life be filled with great joy and happiness.
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